Christopher L. Jorgensen 5 minute read
May 26, 2016

Investing in AAPL

Don’t invest in AAPL. AAPL is DOOMED!

First, I am not a financial advisor. Second, I am an idiot. You should not listen to me. That would make you dumber than me. If you were the sort to listen to me, I would say things like, Please put money and toys and fun stuff in boxes and mail them to me, and if you were a bigger idiot than me you’d do it. I have that kind of control in your life. You are powerless to resist! So here’s your chance to be stupid!

Send cash or other considerations to:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010

I promise any money you send will be spent on further stock purchases or puppets.

But whatever you do, don’t invest in AAPL. AAPL is DOOMED!

Now we have that out of the way, I must tell you I own 200 shares of AAPL. I know what you are thinking, “But Apple is doomed! Isn’t that like throwing money away?” Sure, but I like throwing my money away. “But couldn’t you help the homeless or feed the hungry or something?” Sure, but that would be doing some good in the world, and we’ve already established I like to throw my money away, right? I mean, if you were to send me money I would waste that as well. Sure, I suppose AAPL could make money, and yes, I suppose those dividends are nice, and the stock buyback program ostensibly serves some purpose, but at the end of the day we all know AAPL is DOOMED!

I spend a lot of time reading about Apple. Used to be becasue I wanted to learn more about their products, and I wanted to know how to use what I owned better. I focused almost entirely on the technical side, but I’d watch the stock price, and wish that rather than that first Quadra 610, I had instead purchased an equivalent amount of stock. Rather than a new iPhone every two years, I wish I’d put that same money in stock. Sure, I’d have been rocking a dumb phone for the last decade, but honestly, aren’t iPhones dumb too?

Then one day I watched helplessly as the stock plummeted. For weeks prior I knew this was going to happen. I told everyone, “iPhone sales will be down and the stock will plummet! If I knew how to short a stock I would do that with everything I owned!” Most these people nodded politely and asked, “Paper or plastic?” And I was correct. The stock did go down, and by a lot, but I didn’t short the stock, because while I understand that in theory, I don’t get it in practicality, and we’ve established I don’t like to actually make money. Billions lost! Apple employees were jumping off buildings, there were bread lines, and society as we knew it was breaking down before my very eyes! The stock price reached a low no one had seen in a few years! The end of 51 consecutive quarters of growth was here! People wanted Tim Cook fired and AAPL was nearly worthless. They were practically giving the stuff away! So I bought 100 shares at about $98 a share. I wanted to buy more, but that’s all I could afford, and the stock started to rebound, and I was about $1,400 richer (on paper, if I sold).

Oh well, as much as I wanted to buy more, so I could lose more, the stock was too high now for me to afford more. Some time passed, I saved some more money, and the stock went down again even further (to the delight of everyone), so I scraped together all I could, raided the kids’ college funds, did some minor prostitution on the side, and managed to buy more at ~$93. And still it was going down! Yay! I lost $500 or so on my initial investment, and another $200 on the second (minus those pesky divedends). I was losing my shirt and AAPL was DOOMED!

Sadly, all bad things aren’t forever, and the stock has started to climb back up. Most likely it will continue to climb and I won’t be able to afford more. Even if I saved tons I won’t be able to afford more. Even if it drops to like $75 a share I won’t be able to buy more, since I have to pay the kids’ college fund back. Maybe, if I am lucky, I will be able to buy additional stock, but for now, my investment in AAPL is sadly and firmly in the black (for now).

Where am I going with all this? No where honestly. I am throwing words at a wall for no good reason.

When I started this site I figured I’d be lucky if I could find a story a day about how doomed AAPL was, but then I invested in them and started reading the finacial news and pundits (in addition to the technical sites I was already reading), and man, those people are some pessimistic people. They believe the world is going to burn, and AAPL is the fuel for that fire.

I have multiple articles to choose from every day.

I’ll probably lose interest in all this, but for now it’s amusing me.

Remember, whatever you do, don’t invest in AAPL. AAPL is DOOMED! Send me money.